Here we are, the day before round 2 of chemo, we hope. Amanda just called to tell me that her count is off, borderline. She'll go in early tomorrow and see what they say. We may have to skip this round.
I talk like I know what I might be talking about but in reality, I don't have much of a clue. I mean, somewhat yes. Mention of her count being off is something I have to research, which of course I don't mind doing. I guess the reality of it is this...I am who I am and have a daughter dealing with cancer who has been given a year or two to live and I refuse to believe any of it, today. I don't want to believe that any of this is true. I just don't believe it! Am I in denial, maybe. Is it my way of coping and getting thru it, yes I'm sure it is!


I don't want to believe it because the pain she felt the other day in church that had her leaning on me, pleading to me with her eyes to take away the pain will really just be a cramp that she could walk off or a touch of the flu. Ya know, every day things that healthy people experience. It won't always be because "she has cancer." She hurts because she "has cancer." She cries or she's mad or whatever..."because she has cancer." I just want things to be normal. I don't want to have to worry about her like I do. Don't take that the wrong way, I always worry about my babies, no matter where they are! I worry about stupid little trivial stuff too, all the time. I don't want to have to worry LIKE THIS tho!


I'm not real sure when anyone else will come to grips with this either. Maybe we have all just come to grips with it and we are all just that tough. My girls are not the type to cry. I am. They are not. I can handle the conversations about her hair falling out and the cold sensitivity. I don't know when it  is that I finally just want to drop to my knees and beg GOD to spare her. I do that often now.


I'm off to research her "counts" and study up a bit. Round 2 is said to be more difficult than round 1 but not as bad as round 3 will be. What do I know? I just hear things. Then, I go research and pray!