I have put off posting anything for so long. It seems maybe like I've been slacking or that nothing has been going on but to be completely honest, I had all the hopes in the world that everything would be ok and posting every single thing would be me just repeating myself and bringing up memories I don't care to remember I guess. Let me be honest and just throw it out there...my human emotions become exhausted hearing and listening to all this talk about cancer. I then feel like others get sick of listening to me complain about it or cry about it. Sometimes I feel like I can't cry anymore and others I feel like, here I go again. All in all, my crying isn't fixing anything but when I feel like I have no one to vent to, I cry. I cry hard. I cry in the shower, in bed, when I'm cooking and I cry alone.


I cried again yesterday. I had not cried in so long. No news is good news doesn't necessarily apply here. Nothing going on around here just means that this stupid cancer is growing and spreading and taking over and its happening quietly while the rest of us carry on with life. As I carry on with life, this cancer is sneaking up on my heart and my emotions just waiting to attack what strength I have left to help my daughter fight. I cried in front of my teen girls and they begged me not to cry. It's my way. I don't know for what or why but it's my way of being a mom.


Amanda had lab work yesterday and another CAT scan. We spent yet another day in Rochester and met with her specialist who we love. He really isn't going to leave a stone unturned with her. She is only 26. Did I mention how unfair this is?? I was praying for a miracle. Complete healing. People keep telling me to be strong for her. People say there is always a miracle. God is the healer and I believe that!! I don't feel like God has or is failing us. I do feel that he has a plan. Maybe it is for the rest of us to learn from Amandas strength. Maybe its to bring the family closer again. Okay, okay...I'm grasping at straws here, I know!!!! I am so angry today. I'm so tired!


The cancer has spread. The Evastin is not working, yet again. The cancer is now growing a fluid in her abdomen. She is carrying around a gallon or so of water and it's all due to the cancer. It may be acting as a sneaky black cloud around her uterus and attaching tumors to the uterus itself. It is too risky to "tap her" and release that water yet so we sit and wait. She will take her chemo pill everyday and hope that it reduces some of the cancer and along with it the fluid will go away. Aside from the fluid retention issue, the cancer has spread in her peritoneum. It's the first time we've discussed this being "terminal" and I am sick with it!! If you ask me "how long" she has I won't have an answer yet. I don't know. I never know. One day all is well and she is just "living" with cancer and the next is like a grenade going off all over your emotions, your hopes, her dreams. The plan now is to see the gyno specialist and see about removing her uterus. She's been spontaneously gushing blood and we don't know if its from the cancer or the meds. She will then see her specialist again in 2 months to check on progress.


My poor daughter! My sick baby girl! She's so darn tough and resilient. The toughest part for her and maybe me too is her talk about never getting married. Never being able to give me more grandchildren. When she talks about love and relationships, it gets hard for me to hear. I have such high hopes, grand dreams for all my babies and I can't even figure out how to save the life of this one child!!!


I need to close for a bit. Let me take a second to thank you all for keeping up with us. Letting me vent and whine and share this story. Please if you are an on your knees praying person, please add her to your prayers and myself also. Thank you for your support, kind words and prayers. God Bless!