Here we are, the day before round 2 of chemo, we hope. Amanda just called to tell me that her count is off, borderline. She'll go in early tomorrow and see what they say. We may have to skip this round.
I talk like I know what I might be talking about but in reality, I don't have much of a clue. I mean, somewhat yes. Mention of her count being off is something I have to research, which of course I don't mind doing. I guess the reality of it is this...I am who I am and have a daughter dealing with cancer who has been given a year or two to live and I refuse to believe any of it, today. I don't want to believe that any of this is true. I just don't believe it! Am I in denial, maybe. Is it my way of coping and getting thru it, yes I'm sure it is!


I don't want to believe it because the pain she felt the other day in church that had her leaning on me, pleading to me with her eyes to take away the pain will really just be a cramp that she could walk off or a touch of the flu. Ya know, every day things that healthy people experience. It won't always be because "she has cancer." She hurts because she "has cancer." She cries or she's mad or whatever..."because she has cancer." I just want things to be normal. I don't want to have to worry about her like I do. Don't take that the wrong way, I always worry about my babies, no matter where they are! I worry about stupid little trivial stuff too, all the time. I don't want to have to worry LIKE THIS tho!


I'm not real sure when anyone else will come to grips with this either. Maybe we have all just come to grips with it and we are all just that tough. My girls are not the type to cry. I am. They are not. I can handle the conversations about her hair falling out and the cold sensitivity. I don't know when it  is that I finally just want to drop to my knees and beg GOD to spare her. I do that often now.


I'm off to research her "counts" and study up a bit. Round 2 is said to be more difficult than round 1 but not as bad as round 3 will be. What do I know? I just hear things. Then, I go research and pray!

Someone, tell me what the face of cancer looks like. Should my daughter "look" like she is dying? Should be be bald? Should she look like she is starving?


You would not believe the looks we get when people hear that Amanda has cancer. Some just don't believe it. (I had someone accuse us of being fake and making this all up to get money or sympathy.) For the most part, Amanda looks perfectly healthy. She walks and talks, eats and laughs. I've begun to think of it as a silent disease. At this point in her treatment she does not "look" like a cancer patient. I have to admit, while I ask these questions of the rest of you, I see a bald lady and might assume that she is battling cancer. Bald, oxygen, tiny...make you think of a "cancer" patient?


This silent disease isn't all that you think it is. There are cancer patients walking amongst us everywhere and we don't even know it, unless of course they visually present with, (refer to the previous descriptions of "cancer" patient). My daughter is living with cancer, a silent disease and she is perfectly normal, on the outside. I don't even want to believe it myself sometimes. I keep thinking maybe we should get a second opinion, maybe another doctor will tell us that she is fine. Hey, I'm holding on to any sort of hope and yes, I'm grasping at any straw I can in hopes that she will WIN this fight!


And then...
     there is the "I better get my will done." "My hair keeps falling out." Last night there was a bit of time that she fought through pain in her chest. She began to drink a cold glass of milk and was fine at the first few sips but then she couldn't take any more. She has discovered, as she began to gag at the dinner table, that she cannot stomach the texture of sausage links any more. The small changes are starting to take its toll on her.


So, this is what cancer looks like...?


I leave you with this update...Amanda saw her doctor the other day. She point blank asked him how much "time" she was looking at because she was getting sick of people asking her. One to two years, at best.


GO. FIGHT. WIN, Baby girl!!

Day 2 after the first round of cancer leaves a very tired young lady and she reports having some nausea and an upset stomach today. She's still so upbeat and making jokes. I don't really know what to say to her sometimes. I never know when the jokes will get to her or when she wants me to be serious for her. All I know is to be goofy and make her laugh or to be honest with her when she needs to hear it.


She texted me a bit ago. "I think my hair is falling out already. My hair is coming out every time I run my fingers thru it." What I really want to do is bust out crying! I HATE THIS cancer CRAP! I'm sick of it in being in our lives! I'm sick of it consuming our thoughts or it being the reason that I now call and check on her EVERYDAY!! However, I try to keep a sense of humor and so my response to her is "Oh sweety, I'm so sorry. Quit running your fingers thru your hair!" She responds to me with only "Ok." OH CRAP! Did I say something wrong? Joke too much now? Wrong timing? UGH, I don't know what to do :(   I tell her all the time now and I did so again tonight...Please Amanda, forgive me, I don't know what to say sometimes. I don't know if I should crack a joke or drop a serious line or what to do. I don't have the answers and I wish I did. I don't feel your pain and I don't know what it is like to lose my hair but I can tell you that if you are bald I will still love you. If you have hair, I will love you. Amanda, if you tattoo your head, (as she has threatened to do if she goes completely bald), I WILL STILL LOVE YOU!!!


I do have to be honest with her sometimes. She was feeling so awesome for a bit today and says that she is getting Lena back home tomorrow. But, since she was a bit out of it yesterday during chemo I have to remind her to not get ahead of herself. The nurse did advise her that she would feel just fine while she was in the office for treatment but come the 3rd day, that's when she would probably start puking or feeling like crap. Guess what tomorrow is? Yea, I know, maybe I should have let her dream of getting out of the house and going shopping, I want that for her so bad, but I want her to be mad at me instead of getting her hopes up and being so sad from the control this is having over her. Stay a step ahead of it even if it means you don't plan for a dang thing the entire first week!! Don't let it bring you down! Stay in control. Yep, this is the week I stay home and relax on my couch with a book or a movie or whatever. Next week, I make up for it all and have lunch with friends and do a wee bit of shopping or I travel to see my family. I think its important for both of us to keep track of how each day is after chemo so she may have some sort of "foundation" to how the next round will be and its affects. How long do the kids need to be cared for by someone else? How long was I sick? How many days did she sleep before feeling like she could conquer the world again?


I don't have any answers. All I can do is use my imagination and come up with ideas to try and get thru this, for both of us. This may be HER bodies disease but it is affecting our families too and we refuse to let cancer beat us!! I believe in GOD and I know that he will do what is best for Amanda and the family. I may not agree with the hand we are all being dealt but I do know that I am not walking alone! What else is keeping me standing if not for my Faith?


(A brief update on my dad. I will not be attending his funeral which is tomorrow at noon. There were several road blocks and altho I tried to break thru each one, God kept stopping me with another roadblock or excuse and telling me that it is not where I belonged. I am trying to hold on to the tone of his voice and the memories I have. It's all I've got left.)


Love to you all!

When it rains it pours and I kid you not, I couldn't make this up if I tried.


Since my last blogging moment... I was leaving yesterday to get to Amanda's house before dark. My eyes are getting old and I don't enjoy driving in the dark or all night like I use to. So, after a bit of a reality check, I decided to leave yesterday, daylight instead of my initial middle of the night escape lol. As I was packing the last bag into the car (my very large purse), I felt my phone buzzing. Then it buzzed again. And yet again. OMG REALLY, is all I could think! After a missed called from my Auntie and my sister, I quickly realized it must be about my dear grandma (83.5 yrs old) who just got home from the hospital herself with Congestive Heart Failure. Called my aunt. Nope not grandma. Call your sister on her cell. OKAY...must be about my sister who is sitting in jail right now. Nope...and I NEVER saw it coming!! My sister tells me that "daddy is dead." All I could do is cry. I got out of the car and went into the house and cried. What else could I do?


I hate making decisions when I'm under such anxiety, such stress. I'm on my way to Amandas first chemo appointment and its cold as heck, I'm stressed enough and now I have to cry my way to Iowa. So, maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe I need to stay home and let my husband be of some comfort to me. How hard can this decision really be? Well, it was really stinking difficult since I hadn't had much sleep and now I feel like I can't cope with reality. I cried on and off for the first 1/2 of the trip until I finally erupted in tears and had to pull off to the side of the interstate. I finally pulled into a rest area and sat there for 1/2 hr crying and trying to make sense of everything.  HOW MUCH more can I take? I'm trying to be there for everyone. I'm trying to be a rock for anyone who needs me and yet all this crap just keeps piling up and I just keep taking it and dealing with it. HOW MUCH more can I take?


I made the decision, after much prayer and talking to Jacob and my preachers wife to continue on my journey. What would I do at home besides cry and listen to the TV and cry or lay in bed and cry...I decided after my Katherine told me too that Amanda still needed me and she was expecting me. Ummm yea, wake up and smell the roses! I've got a daughter who needs me. What good am I to my dad now?


It was a tad hard to see my child with the tubing all hooked up to her chest, prep work for chemo the next day. But, we enjoyed a tad bit of time shopping and then a nice meal at Applebees. It has been so nice to see her smiling and carrying on thru this. It makes me so proud!


After spending the night crying and trying to cope with everything, Katherine and I were up early and met Amanda for her first round. Ding ding ding. Round 1 :)


I think we were all doing fine and then, it begins to hit Amanda and she starts to well up with tears. This is when I knew it was going to get harder for me and I was waiting for Katherine to follow suit (because it still hasn't hit her). And then, the nurse calls her name and tells her she has to pee in a cup and just like that, the tears are gone and she's back to her game face. Phew, I dodged a bullet on that one, for now.


I almost lost it again when I hear over the speaker, her name being called into the chemo area. But, it's my turn to have a game face on. This keeps me from dealing with my other issues at hand ya know.


When we get to her room, she begins to pull out all this crap form a large purse I gave her. She has packed her pantry into this bag and 1/2 of her wardrobe too! Out comes a pair of socks, gloves, a scarf or TWO, a bag of chips, a GLASS jar of queso cheese/salsa, a granola bar of sorts and last but not least I began to laugh even harder as she drops and sub sandwich onto the table beside her! I am laughing so hard and all she wants to tell me is "hey, they told me to bring snacks. SO I DID!" Hahaha omg what a moment to save! Then the nurse comes in to start her meds. Fours meds in the IV to begin with, all for anti nausea. One includes Benadryl. Instead of falling asleep, this Ginger of mine begins to say the funniest crap. "OMG my eyeballs are seriously fluttering. Ummm ooops yep, I don't think I can feel my eyeballs. OMG no, I definitely cannot feel my eyes." The nurse is having such a time with this one lol. I don't like that when she gets her meds running thru that she can taste them. She tries to suck on a peppermint but that doesn't provide much relief but soon she is back to chowing on chips and cheese sauce anyways!


I had to leave early and get home due to a blizzard coming thru. I hated to have to leave her!! Not the plan I had in mind, at all!


What did we learn by bed time tonight? She cannot touch anything cold! If she does, she will feel tacks going thru her body and says it lasted about 30 minutes and it was very painful. She slept from the time I left today until I finally woke her up at 9 or so tonight to make her eat and drink something. Lena needs to be gone on day one FOR SURE! There is no way she can chase or provide for that little one on the first day. No worries tho, we have it covered :)


Tomorrow, may be harder on her than today was. The nausea starts around day 3. I totally dislike being so far away.


Until next time, thank you to all who have or are taking the time to read my ramblings. I have to have somewhere to vent, even if there are no responses or what have ya. God Bless you all for your support of me, Amanda and the entire family. No young lady should have to go thru this!
Good night and God Bless!

I am so proud of my daughter. She has been so strong! She's still her cranky and bossy self and still determined to NOT let cancer take anything from her. With that said, after the chemo class we discussed the various "issues" she may experience. The dry mouth, being sensitive to cold and the conversation I did NOT want to have...her hair loss. It didn't go as bad as I initially thought. It was Katherine who made me realize that for 10 years or better, Amanda has had the same length of hair. Katherine does not remember her sister with any other look. This is where it appears that it got a bit harder for Katherine to deal with. My girls are both tough as nails. They are iron marshmallows of sorts. They are tough on the outside, won't cry, won't take any crap from anyone but behind closed doors they have feelings and they will deal with them on their own if need be. But, the talk of the hair loss began to show some signs in Katherine that her sister having cancer was "REAL." It was the nurse at the cancer center ( I try to never give cancer a capital. I don't think it deserves the attention!) that made us realize that with Amandas hair being 4 feet long, if she loses 10 strands, it will look like she has lost 1/2 her head. I had to put on one of my many hats and be mom, the tough mom, the realist. My daughter has cancer, she hasn't suddenly become unaware of what real is. Sometimes we all need to be kept in check, this is one of those times.


Amanda keeps talking about how she isn't going to let cancer win. She's going to kick its ass. She has tons of friends and fans encouraging her to Go. Fight. Win. It's when I had to step in and tell her to stay one step ahead of this stupid cancer! DON"T LET IT TAKE YOUR HAIR! Stay a step ahead and get an adorable hair cut. One that she has designed. Not the one the cancer designs!


When you are feeling too weak to get off the couch and its beginning to depress you, call a friend and take a brief walk. Mouth is dry? Suck on those candies. Loss of appetite, drink the hell out of some Ensure and mix it with some fat ass ice cream! I don't care what cancer "says" it is going to do to my baby girl but we are NOT going to stand by and let it say ANYTHING and win!  Stay one step ahead!!


All of that leads me to the fact that Amanda has decided to get her hair cut. She missed her appt. last week so is scheduled for today. It may sound petty but I know that I am going to cry a river when I first see my little girl without all her hair. She wore this hair all the was through the military.  When she joined the Army, left home 2 weeks after graduation, she swore she would never let anything take her hair, including the Army! The same now, cancer will not win, cancer will NOT take her hair! Stay one step ahead!

 I attended a "chemo" class with my daughter the other day.  My husband says to me that he didn't need to attend it because he had already been through one before. Well, being that this is all new to me I must have thought, come on now, there must be something he doesn't know! Why wouldn't he need to attend? This is my daughter, his step child too right? I don't know what I was thinking or what to expect but after watching a video about how chemotherapy will affect my child, how it affects anyone for that matter, I guess I don't ever NEED to watch another video or attend another class myself. It isn't necessarily common knowledge but it isn't information you forget either. I believe I handled it pretty well. The video was made some time ago and I think I dealt with it easier (at this point) because not one of the things spoken of has affected my Amanda yet.


 As a matter of fact, nothing has affected her yet. Not much has affected any of us yet. Katherine, my 13 year old, has not cried, doesn't ask many questions BUT, I think her time is coming to let it all go and I have to find the strength to get her through it! I cry on and off all the time still. I have plenty of faith in God but if he has a plan to take my baby girl from me, it is going to happen and ultimately I need to be ready. Everything happens for a reason! Yea, I'm all big and bad right now, sitting comfortable and not a tear in my eye but all it takes is someone at work to ask how Amanda is and I will lose it!


I cannot believe the amount of support we have been shown and given at this point. I have had good friends my entire life, some I still speak to from Elementary school but this is different. I have people coming out of nowhere to show their support. Just when I think this world is full of mean people and bullies. We have people all over the world praying for my family, praying hard for Amandas recovery.


In a few days I will join Amanda for her first chemo treatment and I am about as ready for it as I will ever be. Honestly, I dread the drive. Four hours gives me all sorts of time to over think and re think and think again. I've never been good with too much idle time to myself lol. I know that she is ready to get this rolling too. She has a little corner by her couch that's filled with all her chemo goodies. A warm blanket, water bottles, candies to suck on and a journal to track whatever she wants to say. She's got her warm gloves and hats and scarves all ready to go and she knows what she can and can't touch and eat etc. (Let's see how much she listens teeheehee)


Until next time folks...thank you!!