Day 2 after the first round of cancer leaves a very tired young lady and she reports having some nausea and an upset stomach today. She's still so upbeat and making jokes. I don't really know what to say to her sometimes. I never know when the jokes will get to her or when she wants me to be serious for her. All I know is to be goofy and make her laugh or to be honest with her when she needs to hear it.


She texted me a bit ago. "I think my hair is falling out already. My hair is coming out every time I run my fingers thru it." What I really want to do is bust out crying! I HATE THIS cancer CRAP! I'm sick of it in being in our lives! I'm sick of it consuming our thoughts or it being the reason that I now call and check on her EVERYDAY!! However, I try to keep a sense of humor and so my response to her is "Oh sweety, I'm so sorry. Quit running your fingers thru your hair!" She responds to me with only "Ok." OH CRAP! Did I say something wrong? Joke too much now? Wrong timing? UGH, I don't know what to do :(   I tell her all the time now and I did so again tonight...Please Amanda, forgive me, I don't know what to say sometimes. I don't know if I should crack a joke or drop a serious line or what to do. I don't have the answers and I wish I did. I don't feel your pain and I don't know what it is like to lose my hair but I can tell you that if you are bald I will still love you. If you have hair, I will love you. Amanda, if you tattoo your head, (as she has threatened to do if she goes completely bald), I WILL STILL LOVE YOU!!!


I do have to be honest with her sometimes. She was feeling so awesome for a bit today and says that she is getting Lena back home tomorrow. But, since she was a bit out of it yesterday during chemo I have to remind her to not get ahead of herself. The nurse did advise her that she would feel just fine while she was in the office for treatment but come the 3rd day, that's when she would probably start puking or feeling like crap. Guess what tomorrow is? Yea, I know, maybe I should have let her dream of getting out of the house and going shopping, I want that for her so bad, but I want her to be mad at me instead of getting her hopes up and being so sad from the control this is having over her. Stay a step ahead of it even if it means you don't plan for a dang thing the entire first week!! Don't let it bring you down! Stay in control. Yep, this is the week I stay home and relax on my couch with a book or a movie or whatever. Next week, I make up for it all and have lunch with friends and do a wee bit of shopping or I travel to see my family. I think its important for both of us to keep track of how each day is after chemo so she may have some sort of "foundation" to how the next round will be and its affects. How long do the kids need to be cared for by someone else? How long was I sick? How many days did she sleep before feeling like she could conquer the world again?


I don't have any answers. All I can do is use my imagination and come up with ideas to try and get thru this, for both of us. This may be HER bodies disease but it is affecting our families too and we refuse to let cancer beat us!! I believe in GOD and I know that he will do what is best for Amanda and the family. I may not agree with the hand we are all being dealt but I do know that I am not walking alone! What else is keeping me standing if not for my Faith?


(A brief update on my dad. I will not be attending his funeral which is tomorrow at noon. There were several road blocks and altho I tried to break thru each one, God kept stopping me with another roadblock or excuse and telling me that it is not where I belonged. I am trying to hold on to the tone of his voice and the memories I have. It's all I've got left.)


Love to you all!