I finally took the time and money yesterday to get my hair trimmed. It was looking like a Chia Pet gone wrong but I feel like if I take money we don't have just so I can get a haircut then I just carry this guilty feeling around because maybe one of the kids needs clothes or SOMETHING. Anywho, I'm talking to my hairdresser who is also a family member, on the hubbys side and I've realized since Amandas diagnosis, a few things...
Have you known a friend who has been sick or passed away due to cancer, any kind of cancer? Yea, most likely, I know. Me also. What do we do? We pray and send kind words, offer a shoulder or an ear. Then what? WE move on with our lives, carry on shopping, we can feel bad, shed a tear etc but we still move along...Feel me? We are human, we have compassion, we feel guilt, of course. Now, imagine that its your child! There is NO comparison between and friend, your doctor, a favorite teacher and then you find out it's your child. My daughter, who I carried for a VERY long HOT summer. This child kicked the bejeezus out of my insides. She made me eat everything in sight so she was born healthy. She grew and stretched out my stomach and ruined my girly figure, my stick figure. She puked up everything she was given for her first 4 months or so. This fiery red head could not even wear a coat in the car because she would sweat profusely and she was asleep in the car before we even left the driveway (she still does that and I have the pics to prove it!) She cut her bangs in 2nd (?) grade and tried to hide them hahaha. When I confronted her about the "missing" hair this is the story I got (she sure thought it through, beware)..."well, the teacher was reading a book and I was holding a pair of scissors and I must have fell asleep and the scissors went snip. I woke up and there was my hair laying there. Can you take me to the beautician so they can fix it?" HA, I told you it was good! There was the time she came out of the bathroom with mascara on and it was so funny that I had to sarcastically ask "what's on your eyes honey?" Of course she had this figured out, this girl is QUICK! She was in total shock! I thought she was going to pass out because when she looked in the mirror, she too saw mascara on her eyes and just could not figure out how in the hell that happened! It was a dang miracle I'm telling ya! Her response of "OMG how did that get there?" was classic. I have so many stories of this baby but the most heart wrenching is the one that changes now every day. My baby girl is walking around with cancer and there is no funny story yet for this. This isn't just my friend, my neighbor, a favorite teacher with cancer. This is my daughter, the one who yelled at me for always being right about her choice of friends, the one who always ate peanut butter in her room then left the spoon sit on the carpet until I found it myself! I have felt sorry for many people who have relatives and friends with cancer, I have had patients with cancer...just when I think I know what their families must be going thru, I DON'T! I NEVER HAD A CLUE! I am so sorry! I am so sorry for ever feeling like I had ANY clue what you must be going through with your child or relative or whatever and dealing with cancer. Now though, I get it. I don't want to get it or understand it but I do. Now I can honestly say, I know what you're going through, I know how you feel. I kind of feel like I can be of some support now.
I have so many wonderful friends and family. I have to say that, within the last few weeks, Amanda and I have "met" some amazing people on Facebook. We may never officially meet a bunch of them but they have been a huge support to us. BRENDA! I won't give out all your info but you have been amazing! Brenda is a single mom and has terminal cancer. She has answered and given Amanda and myself ALOT of tips on what to expect or things we should stock her up on etc. We have friends in Italy, Australia, the UK and ALL over the place offering up prayers and such. I have Angels appearing from out of nowhere offering to send warm socks or scarves. I know that God is working in and through a TON of people right now. The outpouring of love and support did not just happen! This is God telling me that although we are struggling and coming to grips with this he will be by our side and has sent Angels from all over the world to help us through it.
The newest update as I close for tonight... Amandas first chemo is January 8th and she plans on rocking right through it. I hope to be there for this "milestone" of sorts, God willing.
Thank you all for your support! (I think I just rambled right thru this post.) So much to say :(
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
So, I did it! I've finally started my own blog. I have always wondered how it would go or what I would say and would I have enough TO say. I also thought that I might start it on good terms. Ya know, something wonderful, like my wedding day or I won the lottery and I want to share every single happy moment and brag to the world. However, and it still took me a few weeks to get a move on, I am starting to blog because I do have ALOT to say but it is because I (a mom of 4, step mom to 5, 2 grandbabies) found out several weeks back that my 25 (yes, ONLY 25) year old has stage 4 advanced colon cancer. WHAT A SHOCKER, a kick in my tail, a thump to my head, a break to my heart...
Let me catch you up to speed. I think it's been about a month ago now... I work nights, woke up around 11:30am. I had a missed call from my daughter (we had not been speaking for a little while because she is so stubborn. Wait, maybe it was because I am stubborn. NO, I'm sure it was because she is :)) Anyways, I woke to a missed call and a voice message (really weird) so I knew something was up. The voicemail was (and she is crying), "Hi mom, I'm going into surgery now. I have an enlarged ovary that they have to remove. I love you mom. Bye." Now, to be completely honest, I thought not much about it. I've had surgeries, no big deal right? You've had some surgical "thing" no big deal, right? I called at 11:30 and she was still in surgery. I am 4 hours away from my baby girl. I get a call about 1/2 hr later and her friend is crying and says she is out of surgery. SO, WTH ARE YOU CRYING FOR??? I begin to panic! Her friend tells me "she has colon cancer." What do I do as a mother? I flip out, of course!!! GET THAT DOCTOR ON THE PHONE AND I MEAN NOW!! This CANNOT be happening!
Doctor gets on the phone. "So, as you've heard, your daughter has colon cancer. It is advanced and aggressive. We took 3 feet of her colon and was able to spare her a colostomy, we took her right ovary and her appendix. It has metastasized so she will need chemo. We will not know anything else until the reports come back from pathology, probably next week." Okay, I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm the type that loves hard so I cried watching the Titanic (yea, I'm one of those). I don't recall though, the last time I have ever cried so hard, so violently! My baby girl has colon cancer, stage 4? Who can I blame for this so I feel better?
My dear husband drives me the 4 hours, balling my eyes out to see her at the hospital. I think I handled it quite well. My baby, laying there with the NG tube in her nose, hooked up to multiple IV's and cords. I can't even remember if I cried at that moment. We stayed until the wee hours of the next morning, no sleep, no clean clothes, to talk with the doctor.
A week before THIS surgery, Amanda had her gall bladder removed because she was in so much pain and miserable. A week later she showed up at the ER looking like she was 9 months pregnant. She has stopped having bowel movements or any air moving around. It was when they did the surgery for her ovary that the doctor "stumbled" upon the colon cancer. The pathology reports would come back a week later saying what the doctor thought too...stage 4 colon cancer advanced and aggressive. a 4.5cm tumor was in her colon and a 1.5 cm was found elsewhere. They removed 20 tumors and 13 of those are cancerous. I'm told now that if there is any more cancer they will try to operate or she will start chemo within 6 weeks. I really try hard to always be kind to people so I was afraid to ask the doctor any questions about his ability but something sure set my mouth free to say whatever so I asked him, why he didn't think to look for this during her surgery the week before? He responds honestly and gains A TON of respect from me when he tells me point blank "I wasn't even looking for it! She's 25 years old. It's unheard of, colon cancer at 25. Even at 30 I would still be shocked. My colleague asked me if I had considered scoping her and then, we go back to the fact that she is ONLY 25 and it made no sense."
Several weeks later, right before Christmas she has a PET scan and we sit for a week to find out those results. I was sure that the news would be good. I'm her mother, I know, there's a feeling in my gut that says, all will be ok. This entire thing is just a test, it's all going to be negative and the doctor will be wrong from the get go! UGH, I wish I had been right.
The results of the PET scan show 4 more spots of cancer and there is no option to even operate. I get the news while I'm in Walmart (my dreaded shopping spot) and I think I'm in shock. I've kept my composure this time. I'm able to ask the doctor questions and we hand up and move along. Now I feel guilty for not crying! What kind of mother am I that I had no reaction to this news? Well, because I decided to wait a few days and while I'm at work, I let it all go! I ball like a newborn baby and there is no comforting me. I finally just break down.
Let me catch you up to speed. I think it's been about a month ago now... I work nights, woke up around 11:30am. I had a missed call from my daughter (we had not been speaking for a little while because she is so stubborn. Wait, maybe it was because I am stubborn. NO, I'm sure it was because she is :)) Anyways, I woke to a missed call and a voice message (really weird) so I knew something was up. The voicemail was (and she is crying), "Hi mom, I'm going into surgery now. I have an enlarged ovary that they have to remove. I love you mom. Bye." Now, to be completely honest, I thought not much about it. I've had surgeries, no big deal right? You've had some surgical "thing" no big deal, right? I called at 11:30 and she was still in surgery. I am 4 hours away from my baby girl. I get a call about 1/2 hr later and her friend is crying and says she is out of surgery. SO, WTH ARE YOU CRYING FOR??? I begin to panic! Her friend tells me "she has colon cancer." What do I do as a mother? I flip out, of course!!! GET THAT DOCTOR ON THE PHONE AND I MEAN NOW!! This CANNOT be happening!
Doctor gets on the phone. "So, as you've heard, your daughter has colon cancer. It is advanced and aggressive. We took 3 feet of her colon and was able to spare her a colostomy, we took her right ovary and her appendix. It has metastasized so she will need chemo. We will not know anything else until the reports come back from pathology, probably next week." Okay, I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm the type that loves hard so I cried watching the Titanic (yea, I'm one of those). I don't recall though, the last time I have ever cried so hard, so violently! My baby girl has colon cancer, stage 4? Who can I blame for this so I feel better?
My dear husband drives me the 4 hours, balling my eyes out to see her at the hospital. I think I handled it quite well. My baby, laying there with the NG tube in her nose, hooked up to multiple IV's and cords. I can't even remember if I cried at that moment. We stayed until the wee hours of the next morning, no sleep, no clean clothes, to talk with the doctor.
A week before THIS surgery, Amanda had her gall bladder removed because she was in so much pain and miserable. A week later she showed up at the ER looking like she was 9 months pregnant. She has stopped having bowel movements or any air moving around. It was when they did the surgery for her ovary that the doctor "stumbled" upon the colon cancer. The pathology reports would come back a week later saying what the doctor thought too...stage 4 colon cancer advanced and aggressive. a 4.5cm tumor was in her colon and a 1.5 cm was found elsewhere. They removed 20 tumors and 13 of those are cancerous. I'm told now that if there is any more cancer they will try to operate or she will start chemo within 6 weeks. I really try hard to always be kind to people so I was afraid to ask the doctor any questions about his ability but something sure set my mouth free to say whatever so I asked him, why he didn't think to look for this during her surgery the week before? He responds honestly and gains A TON of respect from me when he tells me point blank "I wasn't even looking for it! She's 25 years old. It's unheard of, colon cancer at 25. Even at 30 I would still be shocked. My colleague asked me if I had considered scoping her and then, we go back to the fact that she is ONLY 25 and it made no sense."
Several weeks later, right before Christmas she has a PET scan and we sit for a week to find out those results. I was sure that the news would be good. I'm her mother, I know, there's a feeling in my gut that says, all will be ok. This entire thing is just a test, it's all going to be negative and the doctor will be wrong from the get go! UGH, I wish I had been right.
The results of the PET scan show 4 more spots of cancer and there is no option to even operate. I get the news while I'm in Walmart (my dreaded shopping spot) and I think I'm in shock. I've kept my composure this time. I'm able to ask the doctor questions and we hand up and move along. Now I feel guilty for not crying! What kind of mother am I that I had no reaction to this news? Well, because I decided to wait a few days and while I'm at work, I let it all go! I ball like a newborn baby and there is no comforting me. I finally just break down.
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