So, I did it! I've finally started my own blog. I have always wondered how it would go or what I would say and would I have enough TO say. I also thought that I might start it on good terms. Ya know, something wonderful, like my wedding day or I won the lottery and I want to share every single happy moment and brag to the world. However, and it still took me a few weeks to get a move on, I am starting to blog because I do have ALOT to say but it is because I (a mom of 4, step mom to 5, 2 grandbabies) found out several weeks back that my 25 (yes, ONLY 25) year old has stage 4 advanced colon cancer. WHAT A SHOCKER, a kick in my tail, a thump to my head, a break to my heart...


Let me catch you up to speed.  I think it's been about a month ago now... I work nights, woke up around 11:30am. I had a missed call from my daughter (we had not been speaking for a little while because she is so stubborn. Wait, maybe it was because I am stubborn. NO, I'm sure it was because she is :)) Anyways, I woke to a missed call and a voice message (really weird) so I knew something was up. The voicemail was (and she is crying), "Hi mom, I'm going into surgery now. I have an enlarged ovary that they have to remove. I love you mom. Bye." Now, to be completely honest, I thought not much about it. I've had surgeries, no big deal right? You've had some surgical "thing" no big deal, right? I called at 11:30 and she was still in surgery. I am 4 hours away from my baby girl. I get a call about 1/2 hr later and her friend is crying and says she is out of surgery. SO, WTH ARE YOU CRYING FOR??? I begin to panic! Her friend tells me "she has colon cancer." What do I do as a mother? I flip out, of course!!! GET THAT DOCTOR ON THE PHONE AND I MEAN NOW!! This CANNOT be happening!


Doctor gets on the phone. "So, as you've heard, your daughter has colon cancer. It is advanced and aggressive. We took 3 feet of her colon and was able to spare her a colostomy, we took her right ovary and her appendix. It has metastasized so she will need chemo. We will not know anything else until the reports come back from pathology, probably next week." Okay, I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm the type that loves hard so I cried watching the Titanic (yea, I'm one of those). I don't recall though, the last time I have ever cried so hard, so violently! My baby girl has colon cancer, stage 4? Who can I blame for this so I feel better?


My dear husband drives me the 4 hours, balling my eyes out to see her at the hospital. I think I handled it quite well. My baby, laying there with the NG tube in her nose, hooked up to multiple IV's and cords. I can't even remember if I cried at that moment. We stayed until the wee hours of the next morning, no sleep, no clean clothes, to talk with the doctor. 


A week before THIS surgery, Amanda had her gall bladder removed because she was in so much pain and miserable. A week later she showed up at the ER looking like she was 9 months pregnant. She has stopped having bowel movements or any air moving around. It was when they did the surgery for her ovary that the doctor "stumbled" upon the colon cancer. The pathology reports would come back a week later saying what the doctor thought too...stage 4 colon cancer advanced and aggressive. a 4.5cm tumor was in her colon and a 1.5 cm was found elsewhere. They removed 20 tumors and 13 of those are cancerous. I'm told now that if there is any more cancer they will try to operate or she will start chemo within 6 weeks. I really try hard to always be kind to people so I was afraid to ask the doctor any questions about his ability but something sure set my mouth free to say whatever so I asked him, why he didn't think to look for this during her surgery the week before? He responds honestly and gains A TON of respect from me when he tells me point blank "I wasn't even looking for it! She's 25 years old. It's unheard of, colon cancer at 25. Even at 30 I would still be shocked. My colleague asked me if I had considered scoping her and then, we go back to the fact that she is ONLY 25 and it made no sense."


Several weeks later, right before Christmas she has a PET scan and we sit for a week to find out those results. I was sure that the news would be good. I'm her mother, I know, there's a feeling in my gut that says, all will be ok. This entire thing is just a test, it's all going to be negative and the doctor will be wrong from the get go! UGH, I wish I had been right.


The results of the PET scan show 4 more spots of cancer and there is no option to even operate. I get the news while I'm in Walmart (my dreaded shopping spot) and I think I'm in shock. I've kept my composure this time. I'm able to ask the doctor questions and we hand up and move along. Now I feel guilty for not crying! What kind of mother am I that I had no reaction to this news? Well, because I decided to wait a few days and while I'm at work, I let it all go! I ball like a newborn baby and there is no comforting me. I finally just break down.