I have put off posting anything for so long. It seems maybe like I've been slacking or that nothing has been going on but to be completely honest, I had all the hopes in the world that everything would be ok and posting every single thing would be me just repeating myself and bringing up memories I don't care to remember I guess. Let me be honest and just throw it out there...my human emotions become exhausted hearing and listening to all this talk about cancer. I then feel like others get sick of listening to me complain about it or cry about it. Sometimes I feel like I can't cry anymore and others I feel like, here I go again. All in all, my crying isn't fixing anything but when I feel like I have no one to vent to, I cry. I cry hard. I cry in the shower, in bed, when I'm cooking and I cry alone.


I cried again yesterday. I had not cried in so long. No news is good news doesn't necessarily apply here. Nothing going on around here just means that this stupid cancer is growing and spreading and taking over and its happening quietly while the rest of us carry on with life. As I carry on with life, this cancer is sneaking up on my heart and my emotions just waiting to attack what strength I have left to help my daughter fight. I cried in front of my teen girls and they begged me not to cry. It's my way. I don't know for what or why but it's my way of being a mom.


Amanda had lab work yesterday and another CAT scan. We spent yet another day in Rochester and met with her specialist who we love. He really isn't going to leave a stone unturned with her. She is only 26. Did I mention how unfair this is?? I was praying for a miracle. Complete healing. People keep telling me to be strong for her. People say there is always a miracle. God is the healer and I believe that!! I don't feel like God has or is failing us. I do feel that he has a plan. Maybe it is for the rest of us to learn from Amandas strength. Maybe its to bring the family closer again. Okay, okay...I'm grasping at straws here, I know!!!! I am so angry today. I'm so tired!


The cancer has spread. The Evastin is not working, yet again. The cancer is now growing a fluid in her abdomen. She is carrying around a gallon or so of water and it's all due to the cancer. It may be acting as a sneaky black cloud around her uterus and attaching tumors to the uterus itself. It is too risky to "tap her" and release that water yet so we sit and wait. She will take her chemo pill everyday and hope that it reduces some of the cancer and along with it the fluid will go away. Aside from the fluid retention issue, the cancer has spread in her peritoneum. It's the first time we've discussed this being "terminal" and I am sick with it!! If you ask me "how long" she has I won't have an answer yet. I don't know. I never know. One day all is well and she is just "living" with cancer and the next is like a grenade going off all over your emotions, your hopes, her dreams. The plan now is to see the gyno specialist and see about removing her uterus. She's been spontaneously gushing blood and we don't know if its from the cancer or the meds. She will then see her specialist again in 2 months to check on progress.


My poor daughter! My sick baby girl! She's so darn tough and resilient. The toughest part for her and maybe me too is her talk about never getting married. Never being able to give me more grandchildren. When she talks about love and relationships, it gets hard for me to hear. I have such high hopes, grand dreams for all my babies and I can't even figure out how to save the life of this one child!!!


I need to close for a bit. Let me take a second to thank you all for keeping up with us. Letting me vent and whine and share this story. Please if you are an on your knees praying person, please add her to your prayers and myself also. Thank you for your support, kind words and prayers. God Bless!

Hello to everyone following my updates. I'm so bad at this, really. I put it off for so long and then things change so quickly sometimes too. Forgive me for being scatter brained and please be patient. So much has happened, bare with me, I may even forget something and have to blog another round.


About a month or so ago, Amanda had a PET scan (1/2 way between the 16 rounds of chemo treatments). We attended that appointment with high hopes that the chemo was working. And IT WAS!! The chemo had taken care of the cancer in her liver, it was completely clear. The cancer in her pelvis was "residual." Residual? That's all that was left? I was ecstatic to say the least. I cried and thanked God for this amazing news! The doctor said that since the chemo was working then we would continue the treatments, finish it off and see how things are when the rest of the treatments are over (in 14 weeks or so). I left Iowa with such happiness! I was so happy to hear that my baby girl was better.


She wasn't though. She wasn't feeling better. She was not even "better."


She has been in pain the entire time. Her back aches so bad. Her sleep was up to 14hrs a day. Caring for the little ones was becoming difficult.


Three weeks ago they started a round of chemo and in the middle of it she began having seizures, smacked her face on a table during her convulsions and chemo was stopped. I mean stopped permanently. The team of doctors and nurses that came rushing in decided that it was time for another scan. She had a CT and lo and behold, they believe she now had cervical cancer. Iowa then gave up. There was nothing else they could do, nothing more they wanted to do. She was referred to Rochester. After calls to Rochester were made, she could not get it until July 13th. It would be about 5 weeks before she would be seen in Rochester and in the meantime, no chemo, no medications, I would hope that the cancer would not spread during this long wait.


Last week, June 18 and 19th, we had appointments in Rochester. Yay! A nurse Amanda had in Sioux City, Iowa called and said she had a friend that worked in Rochester and was able to get her into one of the best cancer doctors in the US. So almost a month sooner than the previous appointment and I was happy that they were not waiting so long. They had received her records and knew they had no time to waste. Scary really!


Amanda had a day full of appointments on Thursday. Blood draws, weight and all that. It was a busy day but not stressful. The anticipation of meeting with the doctors on Friday was causing us to think of this that and the other about what was going to become of the meeting on Friday. Now, I wish I could go back and freeze time. I don't want this to be real. I want to wake up and it all be a horrible fake misbelief!!


We had appointments at 1030am and 3pm. The 1020 appointment was with her new cancer doctor. He was fabulous, as far as a doctor goes. We loved him. My sister in law went with. She loved him too. Amanda thought he was great. He was thorough. Hmmmm, I wish that was all it took to make things all better. You can be the best doctor, run all the tests you want, describe things to a "T" and yet, when they give you the news, you don't even care about the rest anymore.


Amanda has cancer in her left ovary now. (The right one had been take during the surgery when they first found the cancer). That (RESIDUAL) in her pelvis is now (3 or 4 weeks later) LARGER than a softball. It is causing her colon to not work properly and moving her insides off kilter. We are hopeful that the tumor in her pelvis is keeping her bladder from being infected (that's the best news yet, I guess). July 15th is surgery. Today is only June 22nd but operating any sooner is not an option since she had Evastin just 3 weeks ago. We have to wait a minimum of 6 weeks before surgery is an option. July 15th it is!


There will be a team of doctors. At least one to work on protecting her bladder. At least one to assist with the ovary and complete hysterectomy (remember, she is only 25!), at least one to work on cleaning the cancer off both sides of her abdominal walls and at least one to work on removal of her colon ( remember, she is only 25!). At minimum, she will have an ostomy placed. We will not know until after surgery if she will have a colostomy. She WILL receive a blood transfusion, no question about it. I asked if I could donate and was told no. It takes too long to get mine ready but they will have it ready for her the morning of surgery.


They will begin with scoping her first to be sure it is safe to even do a major surgery such as this. If it is safe, they will cut her "from top to bottom" and begin to remove all her cancer and the insides beign affected. She will be in the hospital for a min. of 5 days. Recovery will be 8-12 weeks and then they will look at beginning a different type of chemo.


I will repeat exactly what the doctorS told, several times. "It is important to know that she will not be cured. There is nothing we can do to make this go away. It is not curable."
There really is no idea of her life expectancy at this point. We have to get her thru this surgery first. It is very risky, they have not performed many of this type and not on a 25 yr old (female). There are numerous dangers. I am trying to get all her siblings together for the day of surgery in case anything were to go wrong. I'm not trying to be negative but after all we have been through, I believe nothing is done until it is done! When she comes out of surgery and she opens her eyes, I will relax.


If you are a praying person, please pray for Amanda. It's the only hope I've got left, a miracle from God.

Yea, I know, I'm no slacker whatsoever but I do tend to put things off for various reasons.
I hope this update finds you all doing well and that your health is in tip top shape. I say that with my Amanda in mind but also being that my husbands cousin Priscilla is still fighting and my son sent me a text the other day that he needs to quit smoking because he's coughing up blood (I'm sure though that as of the writing of this, he has in fact NOT quit smoking nor will he consider it serious).


I wrote previously (in January) about how cancer patients should look. (It weighs heavy on my heart) that this world considers you a cancer patient only if you are bald or wearing a bandana and female? You're only a cancer patient if you look sickly? You're only a cancer patient if you are Casper colored white and look like you are going to die on your next deep breath?


Someone should most certainly stand up and say otherwise! My daughter cant work right now but she is still raising Miss Lena and still drives her car and still cooks and cleans and sleeps and snores and maybe you get the picture. She is still normal folks. She is still alive! She is still a mom, my daughter.


I'm quite frustrated about this topic and here is another reason I get so irritated. I had a gal contact me about doing a fundraiser for Amanda. She had just had her car impounded for the 2nd time since having to quit working and this lady says she wants to see if she can help. How very nice of her, there are still kind people in the world, right? As she is putting together the fundraiser flyer etc she says to me...I'm trying to get this together but do you have any other pictures? All the ones on FB  are of her smiling and looking healthy. It's hard to sell the idea if she looks so healthy. She just doesn't look sick and like she has cancer. So, in short, how sad.


I think its quite awesome that my daughter has papers to PROVE that she has cancer and yet she still has a smile on her face and although she is tired and weak, she still gets up everyday to take care of Miss Lena (the best she can) and keeps on going strong! I'm thrilled that all her pics on FB show a big ol smile and her pearly whites. Her prognosis is not good. She and I both know that. We do however keep praying and holding out hope that her pearly whites will shine through many more years of photos ALL OVER FB and ever single SURVIVOR blog/site/paper etc.


If you care to support her even if she doesn't LOOK like she has cancer and is dying (lol) she still has a Gofundme page.

Here we are, the day before round 2 of chemo, we hope. Amanda just called to tell me that her count is off, borderline. She'll go in early tomorrow and see what they say. We may have to skip this round.
I talk like I know what I might be talking about but in reality, I don't have much of a clue. I mean, somewhat yes. Mention of her count being off is something I have to research, which of course I don't mind doing. I guess the reality of it is this...I am who I am and have a daughter dealing with cancer who has been given a year or two to live and I refuse to believe any of it, today. I don't want to believe that any of this is true. I just don't believe it! Am I in denial, maybe. Is it my way of coping and getting thru it, yes I'm sure it is!


I don't want to believe it because the pain she felt the other day in church that had her leaning on me, pleading to me with her eyes to take away the pain will really just be a cramp that she could walk off or a touch of the flu. Ya know, every day things that healthy people experience. It won't always be because "she has cancer." She hurts because she "has cancer." She cries or she's mad or whatever..."because she has cancer." I just want things to be normal. I don't want to have to worry about her like I do. Don't take that the wrong way, I always worry about my babies, no matter where they are! I worry about stupid little trivial stuff too, all the time. I don't want to have to worry LIKE THIS tho!


I'm not real sure when anyone else will come to grips with this either. Maybe we have all just come to grips with it and we are all just that tough. My girls are not the type to cry. I am. They are not. I can handle the conversations about her hair falling out and the cold sensitivity. I don't know when it  is that I finally just want to drop to my knees and beg GOD to spare her. I do that often now.


I'm off to research her "counts" and study up a bit. Round 2 is said to be more difficult than round 1 but not as bad as round 3 will be. What do I know? I just hear things. Then, I go research and pray!

Someone, tell me what the face of cancer looks like. Should my daughter "look" like she is dying? Should be be bald? Should she look like she is starving?


You would not believe the looks we get when people hear that Amanda has cancer. Some just don't believe it. (I had someone accuse us of being fake and making this all up to get money or sympathy.) For the most part, Amanda looks perfectly healthy. She walks and talks, eats and laughs. I've begun to think of it as a silent disease. At this point in her treatment she does not "look" like a cancer patient. I have to admit, while I ask these questions of the rest of you, I see a bald lady and might assume that she is battling cancer. Bald, oxygen, tiny...make you think of a "cancer" patient?


This silent disease isn't all that you think it is. There are cancer patients walking amongst us everywhere and we don't even know it, unless of course they visually present with, (refer to the previous descriptions of "cancer" patient). My daughter is living with cancer, a silent disease and she is perfectly normal, on the outside. I don't even want to believe it myself sometimes. I keep thinking maybe we should get a second opinion, maybe another doctor will tell us that she is fine. Hey, I'm holding on to any sort of hope and yes, I'm grasping at any straw I can in hopes that she will WIN this fight!


And then...
     there is the "I better get my will done." "My hair keeps falling out." Last night there was a bit of time that she fought through pain in her chest. She began to drink a cold glass of milk and was fine at the first few sips but then she couldn't take any more. She has discovered, as she began to gag at the dinner table, that she cannot stomach the texture of sausage links any more. The small changes are starting to take its toll on her.


So, this is what cancer looks like...?


I leave you with this update...Amanda saw her doctor the other day. She point blank asked him how much "time" she was looking at because she was getting sick of people asking her. One to two years, at best.


GO. FIGHT. WIN, Baby girl!!

Day 2 after the first round of cancer leaves a very tired young lady and she reports having some nausea and an upset stomach today. She's still so upbeat and making jokes. I don't really know what to say to her sometimes. I never know when the jokes will get to her or when she wants me to be serious for her. All I know is to be goofy and make her laugh or to be honest with her when she needs to hear it.


She texted me a bit ago. "I think my hair is falling out already. My hair is coming out every time I run my fingers thru it." What I really want to do is bust out crying! I HATE THIS cancer CRAP! I'm sick of it in being in our lives! I'm sick of it consuming our thoughts or it being the reason that I now call and check on her EVERYDAY!! However, I try to keep a sense of humor and so my response to her is "Oh sweety, I'm so sorry. Quit running your fingers thru your hair!" She responds to me with only "Ok." OH CRAP! Did I say something wrong? Joke too much now? Wrong timing? UGH, I don't know what to do :(   I tell her all the time now and I did so again tonight...Please Amanda, forgive me, I don't know what to say sometimes. I don't know if I should crack a joke or drop a serious line or what to do. I don't have the answers and I wish I did. I don't feel your pain and I don't know what it is like to lose my hair but I can tell you that if you are bald I will still love you. If you have hair, I will love you. Amanda, if you tattoo your head, (as she has threatened to do if she goes completely bald), I WILL STILL LOVE YOU!!!


I do have to be honest with her sometimes. She was feeling so awesome for a bit today and says that she is getting Lena back home tomorrow. But, since she was a bit out of it yesterday during chemo I have to remind her to not get ahead of herself. The nurse did advise her that she would feel just fine while she was in the office for treatment but come the 3rd day, that's when she would probably start puking or feeling like crap. Guess what tomorrow is? Yea, I know, maybe I should have let her dream of getting out of the house and going shopping, I want that for her so bad, but I want her to be mad at me instead of getting her hopes up and being so sad from the control this is having over her. Stay a step ahead of it even if it means you don't plan for a dang thing the entire first week!! Don't let it bring you down! Stay in control. Yep, this is the week I stay home and relax on my couch with a book or a movie or whatever. Next week, I make up for it all and have lunch with friends and do a wee bit of shopping or I travel to see my family. I think its important for both of us to keep track of how each day is after chemo so she may have some sort of "foundation" to how the next round will be and its affects. How long do the kids need to be cared for by someone else? How long was I sick? How many days did she sleep before feeling like she could conquer the world again?


I don't have any answers. All I can do is use my imagination and come up with ideas to try and get thru this, for both of us. This may be HER bodies disease but it is affecting our families too and we refuse to let cancer beat us!! I believe in GOD and I know that he will do what is best for Amanda and the family. I may not agree with the hand we are all being dealt but I do know that I am not walking alone! What else is keeping me standing if not for my Faith?


(A brief update on my dad. I will not be attending his funeral which is tomorrow at noon. There were several road blocks and altho I tried to break thru each one, God kept stopping me with another roadblock or excuse and telling me that it is not where I belonged. I am trying to hold on to the tone of his voice and the memories I have. It's all I've got left.)


Love to you all!

When it rains it pours and I kid you not, I couldn't make this up if I tried.


Since my last blogging moment... I was leaving yesterday to get to Amanda's house before dark. My eyes are getting old and I don't enjoy driving in the dark or all night like I use to. So, after a bit of a reality check, I decided to leave yesterday, daylight instead of my initial middle of the night escape lol. As I was packing the last bag into the car (my very large purse), I felt my phone buzzing. Then it buzzed again. And yet again. OMG REALLY, is all I could think! After a missed called from my Auntie and my sister, I quickly realized it must be about my dear grandma (83.5 yrs old) who just got home from the hospital herself with Congestive Heart Failure. Called my aunt. Nope not grandma. Call your sister on her cell. OKAY...must be about my sister who is sitting in jail right now. Nope...and I NEVER saw it coming!! My sister tells me that "daddy is dead." All I could do is cry. I got out of the car and went into the house and cried. What else could I do?


I hate making decisions when I'm under such anxiety, such stress. I'm on my way to Amandas first chemo appointment and its cold as heck, I'm stressed enough and now I have to cry my way to Iowa. So, maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe I need to stay home and let my husband be of some comfort to me. How hard can this decision really be? Well, it was really stinking difficult since I hadn't had much sleep and now I feel like I can't cope with reality. I cried on and off for the first 1/2 of the trip until I finally erupted in tears and had to pull off to the side of the interstate. I finally pulled into a rest area and sat there for 1/2 hr crying and trying to make sense of everything.  HOW MUCH more can I take? I'm trying to be there for everyone. I'm trying to be a rock for anyone who needs me and yet all this crap just keeps piling up and I just keep taking it and dealing with it. HOW MUCH more can I take?


I made the decision, after much prayer and talking to Jacob and my preachers wife to continue on my journey. What would I do at home besides cry and listen to the TV and cry or lay in bed and cry...I decided after my Katherine told me too that Amanda still needed me and she was expecting me. Ummm yea, wake up and smell the roses! I've got a daughter who needs me. What good am I to my dad now?


It was a tad hard to see my child with the tubing all hooked up to her chest, prep work for chemo the next day. But, we enjoyed a tad bit of time shopping and then a nice meal at Applebees. It has been so nice to see her smiling and carrying on thru this. It makes me so proud!


After spending the night crying and trying to cope with everything, Katherine and I were up early and met Amanda for her first round. Ding ding ding. Round 1 :)


I think we were all doing fine and then, it begins to hit Amanda and she starts to well up with tears. This is when I knew it was going to get harder for me and I was waiting for Katherine to follow suit (because it still hasn't hit her). And then, the nurse calls her name and tells her she has to pee in a cup and just like that, the tears are gone and she's back to her game face. Phew, I dodged a bullet on that one, for now.


I almost lost it again when I hear over the speaker, her name being called into the chemo area. But, it's my turn to have a game face on. This keeps me from dealing with my other issues at hand ya know.


When we get to her room, she begins to pull out all this crap form a large purse I gave her. She has packed her pantry into this bag and 1/2 of her wardrobe too! Out comes a pair of socks, gloves, a scarf or TWO, a bag of chips, a GLASS jar of queso cheese/salsa, a granola bar of sorts and last but not least I began to laugh even harder as she drops and sub sandwich onto the table beside her! I am laughing so hard and all she wants to tell me is "hey, they told me to bring snacks. SO I DID!" Hahaha omg what a moment to save! Then the nurse comes in to start her meds. Fours meds in the IV to begin with, all for anti nausea. One includes Benadryl. Instead of falling asleep, this Ginger of mine begins to say the funniest crap. "OMG my eyeballs are seriously fluttering. Ummm ooops yep, I don't think I can feel my eyeballs. OMG no, I definitely cannot feel my eyes." The nurse is having such a time with this one lol. I don't like that when she gets her meds running thru that she can taste them. She tries to suck on a peppermint but that doesn't provide much relief but soon she is back to chowing on chips and cheese sauce anyways!


I had to leave early and get home due to a blizzard coming thru. I hated to have to leave her!! Not the plan I had in mind, at all!


What did we learn by bed time tonight? She cannot touch anything cold! If she does, she will feel tacks going thru her body and says it lasted about 30 minutes and it was very painful. She slept from the time I left today until I finally woke her up at 9 or so tonight to make her eat and drink something. Lena needs to be gone on day one FOR SURE! There is no way she can chase or provide for that little one on the first day. No worries tho, we have it covered :)


Tomorrow, may be harder on her than today was. The nausea starts around day 3. I totally dislike being so far away.


Until next time, thank you to all who have or are taking the time to read my ramblings. I have to have somewhere to vent, even if there are no responses or what have ya. God Bless you all for your support of me, Amanda and the entire family. No young lady should have to go thru this!
Good night and God Bless!